I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
