At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
