nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
