I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
