i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
