So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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