it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
