Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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