i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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