Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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