are you still at the devil's house?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Randomize
