Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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