just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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