I just saw a hot homeless man
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You did what with his pubic hair?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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