I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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