Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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