I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
