Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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