Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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