last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
