Where did you get a picture of my penis
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You were trust falling into bushes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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