so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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