mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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