Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
