Where are you?
In a non slutty way
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize