If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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