I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
