My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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