i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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