Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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