i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
