how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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