If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
