Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
