Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
