Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
