That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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