So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
