My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
