i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
