Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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