I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
