My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
