umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
