Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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