If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
