Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
