Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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