he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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