Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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