i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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