her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
