I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
