Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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