I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
