my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize