apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
