He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
