I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
