I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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