My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
