the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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